By the way, that last guy really took it seriously and decided to write a blog post about it. What a moron. No wonder he’s a Palin supporter.

If you want to follow the continuing parade of dumb people do a Google search for @joshmalina.

Jeff Suppan is coming back to the St. Louis Cardinals.

He will be joining the team in Phoenix and hopes to be active early next week. He will be signing for the pro-rated minimum, his agent Scott Leventhal said.

Suppan has not officially signed yet because the Cardinals have to work out some issues with the 40-man roster.

He was released by the Brewers on Monday after going 0-2 with a 7.84 ERA in 15 games.

Suppan pitched for the Cardinals from 2004-06 and was 44-26 with a 3.85 ERA, the best 3-year span in his career. He was the MVP in the 2006 NLCS, winning Game 7 over the Mets.

Suppan signed with the Brewers as a free agent in December of 2006. He was 29-36 with a 5.08 ERA in Milwaukee.

He is 35. STLToday

The Cardinals aren’t stopping there though. No, rumor has it that they are in talks of signing even more has-been players. After being petitioned by fans to get Jack Clark off the air, the Cardinals have signed him to a year long contract as a bench player. Also, negotiations are well under way with Dizzy and Daffy Dean‘s corpses. They are expected to join the Cardinals for the Seattle series.

The only catch is I will not do a full beard (come on, it’s going to be summer in St. Louis. That’s just cruel!) and the Super Mario looks pretty much impossible. You can vote by commenting here or sending me a reply on twitter

UPDATE:There’s now a poll, so submit your vote!

Posse Men #2 and #3: The Credibility Men – If I’m going to have a posse, I’m going to need some credibility so all the player haters know I’m fo’ real. I can think of 2 people in the hip hop world that would be perfect sponsors, Jay-Z and Russell Simmons. Jay-Z is one of the biggest rap stars in history. As he says, he’s not a business man, he’s a business, man! How would you not want him in your posse. Plus with him in the posse that automatically inducts Beyonce. As for Russell Simmons, he made hip hop what it is today. He marketed hip hop to the mainstream that wasn’t ready for it. He built hip hop’s most successful record label, Def Jam, from the ground up. You have to have respect for that.

Posse Men #4, #5, #6, and #7: The party guys – The 4-7 guys in my posse are the ones that every dude wants to hang out with. They are the ones you won’t to go out and get wasted with and the ones that will make you laugh non-stop. I’m talking about Paul Rudd, Jonah Hill, Jason Segel, and Seth Rogen.

Posse Man #8: The Tech Guy – I need someone to make sure I have all the hottest technology. Bill Gates? Hell no! I want good technology. Steve Jobs, come on down! You are now part of my posse. I’ll have the latest Apple gadget before anyone else with Steve Jobs in my posse. Envy me.

Posse Man #9: The Prez – Last, but certainly not least, in my posse would be President Obama. He’s smart, charismatic, the leader of the military, and has the Secret Service in case Andre the Giant has to hit the bathroom or needs a nap. He’s the ultimate posse man to have. Anything you need or want, he can get it. Plus he’s got that whole Air Force one thing going for him.

So there you have it, there’s my posse. I think I covered all the bases pretty well. I don’t think I could go wrong with this posse. Anyone know how to get in contact with them all and inform them they are now in my posse? Who would be in your posse?

In case you were wondering where the title of the post came from, it comes from the outstanding song of the same title by Extended Famm from their album Happy Fuck You Songs

It’s that time of year
Friends, family, and turkey
And Turku for All

That’s right friends, it’s Thanksgiving time. It’s time for the annual publishing of the Turku book from when I was student teaching at Troy High School. These were Thanksgiving haiku written by the Social Studies Department (I was The Apprentice). Share with your loved ones. I’m sure they will enjoy our brilliance. Download the PDF.

We could all use a little financial advice during these difficult economic times!

Retirement Plan Investment Tip…
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000.
With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.
If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.

But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund you would have $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

This is called the 401-Keg Plan.

Pure genius.

Would you vote for John McCain?
On a boat or in a plane?

I would not, could not, vote McCain.
Not in a boat. Not on a plane.

Could you vote if he were blue?
Could he get your dog’s vote too?

My dog would not vote for him,
nor would my cat.
I would not vote for John McCain.
I would not do it and that is that.

How about in the pouring rain,
under an umbrella held by John McCain?

I would not vote for John McCain.
I would not do it in the rain.

Would you, could you, in Outer Space?
If he beat Ms. Rodham in the ‘08 race?

I would not in a boat or plane
Under an umbrella, out in the rain.
Not with my dog and not with my cat.
I would not vote for John McCain,
I would not do it and that is that!

How about with green eggs and ham?
Liberally smeared with socialist jam?

Not in a boat, not in a plane,
Not in space and not in the rain.
Not with my dog and not with my cat
with eggs or ham or tit for tat.
I will not vote for John McCain.
I just won’t do it and that is that!

How about for a pat on the back?
How about if he promised you that?

Not in a boat and not in a plane,
nor outer space nor under the rain.
Not with my dog and not with my cat,
not even for promises of a pat on the back.
I will not vote for John McCain.
I will not vote for what’s-his-name!

And if he waterboards bad guys?
Will that change – maybe – the way he looks in your eyes?

It will not change however he looks,
he’s just another of the beltway crooks.
Not in a boat or plane
or dog or cat or in the rain.
not in space and not with jam,
that’s just not the kind of guy that I am.
I will not vote for John McCain.
I said it once and I’ll say it again!

Won’t you just listen
and give him a try?
He’s not as bad
as the other bad guys.

*Sigh* I will listen.
I’ll give you that much.
I’ll sit down and listen
to that old such and such.

Did you? Have you? Listened to John?
Did you hear the kind of a roll that he’s on?

I did listen! I did!
And he told me his plans.
How he’ll fix the broke berkas with his very own hands.
He spoke of tax-turbos and great medicare.
He told me to listen if only I’d dare!
He whirled his woo-wonka
and blew his own horn.
He fought against torture and terror and scorn!~
He promised to mend all the broken doo-dundants, the winky wank toogas and pundy pun-pundits.
He’d tell all those know-it-alls we’ll have no bad feelings,
or waterboard action or pincushion needlings.
We’d show the whole world that he really does care,
from his two swollen arches to his Santa-Claus hair.
He’ll reach across aisles and glad shake glad hands
and fix all our troubles with big rubber bands
and stern anxious warnings and strong finger wagging
and tough talk and pleading and sometimes just nagging.
He’d talk about torture while wearing a berka
and get Ted to wear one and maybe John Murtha
(though he doesn’t do much, ol’ Murtha these days, Nancy and Harry have adopted his ways!)
And when he was done I sat down for awhile
and thunkity-thunk till my think-thunker stunk.
then I realized a decision had come
with a klunk.

You decided? You decided?
And what you think?

I made up my mind.
THAT DUMB OLD GUY STINKS!
NOT IN A BOAT! NOT IN A PLANE!
NOT WITH CATS AND JAM AND DOGS IN THE RAIN!
NOT IN SPACE FOR THE PRESIDENT’S RACE!
I WILL NOT VOTE FOR JOHN MCCAIN!
NO IS NO AND DON’T ASK ME AGAIN!

The first incident is as we were leaving the room to grab our lunches a kid starts walking in the opposite direction of the cafeteria. Now, this is February 29th. This kid has been at this school all year. He knows where the cafeteria is. He’s even been in my class before. Yet for a moment he forgot where the cafeteria was.

The second was a kid getting his lunch. The choices today were pizza, ham and cheese sandwich, pasta, or fish sticks. This kid was dumbfounded by fish sticks. He looked at the lunch lady like she was an alien. He then asked her if they had chicken inside. Yes, they are called fish sticks because chicken is inside. Talk about a Jessica Simpson moment.

The last incident was a kid dropped his pasta all over the floor. He just stood there staring at it. He then asks what he should do and of course the answer was to clean it up. That confused him even more. When you drop something, you clean it up. Get some napkins and wipe up the mess, then go get another lunch.

Kids are funny. Days like these bring a smile to my face.

Yes, if everyone in the world watched this show the world would be a much better place. Just think about it for a second. SBTB addresses every major concern that plagues this world. Let’s examine how SBTB could help make the world a better place. The gang, consisting of Zack, Kelly, Lisa, Slater, Jessie, Screech, and for half a season, Tori, faced all these harsh world realities and survived. Let’s see how.

SBTB and the Environment
SBTB was thinking green long before it was the in thing to do. Thanks to Jessica Spano, the resident over achiever and environmental activist, we become aware of the major environmental concerns that plague the world. Whether she’s saving the whales, suggesting alternatives to styrofoam cups, or preventing Bayside High from becoming an oil field, Ms. Spano is a great crusader in the cause for Mother Earth. In fact, it is in episode number 45 “Pipe Dreams” that we learn how destructive drilling for oil can actually be. The gang’s beloved science class pets were all killed in the pond after oil spilled. Oil drilling is dangerous and we should be looking for alternatives to build a better future. As the gang states, we need to look for alternative energy so ducks like Becky don’t die anymore. If only we would have listened to SBTB back in 1991. Also check out the episode “Skip Day” for the harsh reality of styrofoam cups. They are not biodegradable and are ruing the planet. Thank you Jessie and Graham.

SBTB and Terrorism
SBTB was dealing with terrorism long before 9/11. Way back in 1989 the gang at Bayside High had to deal with those nasty terrorist from Valley. Stan and Dan Clegg wreak havoc on the halls of Bayside when they start the annual Prank War. Just as Bush responded to 9/11 attacks, Zack and Slater respond and kidnap Valley’s mascot, then the Bayside Tiger (Screech) is kidnapped. Of course, Bush attacked the wrong country whereas the gang at Bayside actually did target the right school. Of course, the lesson we can all learn from this whole mess is that if we all come together and talk at the end, like both schools and their respected principals do, we can live in a peaceful place and settle our differences. We just have to talk, and as we see in “The Wicked Stepbrother” we cannot negotiate with terrorists. If we do, they’ll take everything we have, including that awesome ball we caught at the Dodgers game.

SBTB and Racism
Bayside High was not the most diverse school. In fact, we barely even know that Lisa Turtle is African-American and Slater is Hispanic. Race was never brought up on the show, until the kids expanded their horizons and went off to college. When Slater finally realizes he has a Hispanic background he becomes interested. He learns about his Chicano background there are confrontations between him and Zack. Slater didn’t believe Zack was respecting his heritage. In the end, they worked things out and the race issues disappeared! Again, we just need to come together and talk and we will all get along! Respect each other’s differences, backgrounds, heritages and we can come together as people and live in harmony. If Zack and Slater can do it, we all can.

SBTB and Health Issues
SBTB didn’t deal with health that often. The kids never got sick in sunny California. However, there were a couple of episodes that did pop up that dealt with health. In the episode “From Nurse to Worse” we see macho man Slater afraid to get a flue shot. He cons Zack into taking it for him, but he learns his lesson at the end. Missing your shots is no laughing matter. If you want to stay strong and healthy, you must take care of yourself. If somehow you do wind up in the hospital, have no fear, because you will get the best healthcare possible, just ask Zack in “Operation Zack” when he has to go under the knife. He didn’t have to sign countless insurance forms and fill out tons of paperwork, he got in, got fixed, and left. Even the homeless guy in “Home for Christmas” received health care when he passed out in the mall.

SBTB and Drugs
Two of SBTB’s most famous episodes deal with drugs. If the world could watch these episodes and see how bad drugs really are, then no one would use them. In the “No Hope with Dope” episode, we see how drugs ruin a lot of lives. Not only is the image of their hero Johnny Dakota shattered when he starts smoking pot, but we learn about other people who have had their lives ruined by drugs, like John Belushi and another student’s older brother (who she has to drive to the beach now because he got high and drove and had an accident). The message is, drugs ruin a lot of lives. We also get reminded of Jessie’s stint with drugs, which brings us to the other episode that deals with drugs, “Jessie’s Song.” In this episode Jessie was addicted to caffeine pills, letting the world know that over the counter drugs can be bad for you too. Jessie screams at the end, mixed with the lyrics of her girl band, Hot Sundae, that she’s “so excited. So excited. So scared,” reminding us that the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. If we all could see what Jessie went through in that episode, none of us would ever use drugs.

SBTB and Poverty
Poverty is a huge problem in the world today. If we could all just watch the episodes “Home for Christmas” we would see how big a problem poverty is. One of the biggest problems with poverty is people aren’t aware of it. SBTB made us aware. It showed us that homeless people aren’t lazy drunks, but out of work computer programmers with hot daughters who just need a break in life. If we all pitch in, like Zack’s family does, we can help eradicate the homeless problem in our country, and the world. Just open up your doors and let the homeless in, and if you can, give them a job like Zack’s dad does. With a little awareness and a little help, there will be no poverty or homelessness. Let all the out of work programmers into your home… and your heart.

Saved by the Bell doesn’t stop there though. No, those were just some of the major problems that are addressed in the episodes. There are smaller problems that we see solved, such as heartbreak (Kelly dumping Zack for the college creepy guy Jeff), drinking and driving, natural disaster readiness (the earthquake episode), sexism (the episode when a woman wants to wrestle), and many other important life lessons. Thank you Saved by the Bell. We will continue to learn from your greatness for years and years to come.

GIANT PANCAKE COVERING THE SCHOOL

In talking about World of Warcraft: i think when i hit 69… i’m going to stay there forever. until 69 stops being funny to me

potstickers suck my ass and not in a good way

Me: so i told her not to madonna on me (pretend to be british when you’re not)
Me: that shall be the new catch phrase
Friend: shall
Friend!: you british geek
Me: shall isn’t british
Friend: shall is pompous
Me: but i had someone just tell me something was brilliant
Friend: tisn’t it?
Me: no, tisn’t
Friend: jolly good
Me: pip pip, cheerio
Friend: bloody hell
Me: wanker
Friend: bollocks!
Me: wicked googly

i just uttered the phrase “put that superman belt in your bookbag”

Friend: i don’t mean this in a sexual way
Friend: but
Friend: i’m not wearing any underwear
Friend: rofl

BENIHANA is my jesus

you ever cough so hard that you’re afraid you’ll wet yourself?

9 – You feel insulted and “dehumanized” when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

8 – You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.

7 – Your face turns purple when you hear of the “atrocities” attributed to Allah, but you don’t even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in “Exodus” and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in “Joshua” including women, children, and trees!

6 – You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.

5 – You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.

4 – You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs — though excluding those in all rival sects – will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most “tolerant” and “loving.”

3 – While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in “tongues” may be all the evidence you need to “prove” Christianity.

2 – You define 0.01% as a “high success rate” when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.

1 – You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history – but still call yourself a Christian.